BPD and identity

I’ve always had a lot of trouble figuring out who I am and what I like. In my life I’ve tried a lot of things but very rarely settled to any one thing for longer than a year or so. I constantly seem to question who I am, what I like, what my values are and what I want out of life. I often feel hopeless and directionless because I can never quite seem to grasp what the purpose of my life is and what I should be doing with it. This is not just about career direction, but hobbies, friends, relationships, goals and values.

This is a fairly common problem for people with BPD. When you oscillate between liking yourself and feeling safe and secure, and hating yourself and shutting yourself off from people, you feel like you can’t get a grip on what your opinion of yourself is, never mind anything else. 

I have a very short attention span and get bored incredibly quickly. I am lucky in some ways that I have been able to find a career that is mentally stimulating, and has just enough routine to make me feel secure and quell some of my anxiety while also offering enough variety that I don’t get too bored and switch off. I have been at my most depressed and mentally unwell when I have had to work at jobs which were not mentally challenging enough. Strangely though I had no problem being at home on maternity leave, although I’d say that was because my daughter did a very good job of providing variety and challenge for me!!

One of the things I have found very difficult to live with is my inability to figure out what my purpose is in life. I have spent numerous hours devoted to trying to understand why I was put here on this earth. As is my habit I have researched this question in the library, and also spent time trying to understand and define my values, read up on altruism and gratitude, attempted to meditate on it, investigated various religions, and questioned a number of people about what they think the meaning of life is. Logically I understand the answers and points of view presented to me, but none of them spoke to me or felt like they were ‘my reason’. This can be incredibly depressing, as my life is often a painful chaotic mess of emotions and their destructive impact on the people I care about. I need to feel like there is some reason for enduring it.

I see other people taking action for things they believe in, making a difference for others, practising their religious beliefs, following their dreams, or doing things they enjoy and I get jealous. I love that people I care about are doing these things. But I wish I had certainty about what I believe in or want, or enjoy. Sometimes I feel like I have a strong opinion, only to feel the opposite two hours later. I enjoy doing something but then never want to do it again. Or like the idea but feel no motivation to follow through. I’m capable of loving something one minute and then hating it an hour later. Or getting bored and abandoning in the process or project two steps in.

In the past I’ve often felt like I am acting a role, saying and doing what is expected of me. When I had my major depressive episode in 2013/14 I remember saying to my psychologist that I felt like a cardboard cut out. That I was presenting this face to the world but there was nothing behind it, no depth to it. I say things that are certainly true in that circumstance but not necessarily how I feel, because I don’t know how I feel. Or how I feel changes like the flick of a switch so I can say something to one person that is the truth but regret what I said or feel like I misrepresented myself later. This can feel to people who don’t have BPD that they are being lied to or manipulated. But for me, I certainly don’t intend to lie, and at the time I am telling the truth. It’s just that I’m erratic and very prone to changing my mind half a dozen times in the following few hours.

The stigma of BPD contributes to identity issues. There is the expectation that you just get on with life when you have a mental illness. You don’t own up to it and you certainly don’t make other people feel uncomfortable by explaining what is really going on or how you feel. You pretend that everything is fine and you suffer in private. This is seen as the acceptable way of coping with a mental illness. Then there’s the argument that you can ‘over identify’ with your illness. That instead of seeing it as something you have, like a heart condition or diabetes, you see it as who you are. People with BPD often call themselves borderlines, defining themselves by their illness. I know I’ve done this myself in the past, and I think in part it’s because having BPD is about identity, it is a personality disorder after all. Identity is all about who you are and what you believe in. But the danger is that in identifying with the illness that you negate the possibility of recovery. Recovery is possible for some people, and there is a percentage of people who do the therapy programs who will recover enough not to meet the diagnosis criteria anymore.

One of my goals is to not focus too much on who I am and what my purpose is. A little bit of self examination is a good thing, but too much navel-gazing makes me feel adrift in a vast sea of possibility and raises my anxiety level. Enjoyment of the journey is still a worthy accomplishment.

Ka Kite Ano