I’ve had some really up and down days recently. When you live with Borderline Personality Disorder life is very much like a rollercoaster at the best of times, but recently those lows have been very low. I’ve had days where the blackness has rolled in and I feel severely depressed and suicidal.

I have been pondering on my triggers and there’s been a number of things going on for me. One is that I feel overwhelmed by life and all the admin and appointments that never seem to end. The weekly grind of washing and cooking, dishes and supermarket shopping, housework and garden maintenance. I very quickly get overloaded. I lack the executive function to keep my house tidy or remember where I’ve put anything as I get distracted very easily, but a messy house also really stresses me out. Losing and forgetting stuff constantly is also really stressful. There are days when I don’t want to come home because the house is messy and I can’t seem to tidy it up. I can spend several hours “tidying” but still not have a clean and tidy house at the end as I tend to deviate off task and get really distracted. And the more I have going on in my head the less likely I am to be able to cope with the basic day-to-day and week-to-week tasks. This end of the year also seems to fill up quickly with my daughter’s school stuff, end of year events and birthdays so remembering our schedules and fitting everything in adds more pressure. And yes, I have a calendar with colour coded schedule, plus a note book of reminders, I make lists, I set alarms and reminders on my phone etc. Even with all this ‘help’ to remember things I still feel overwhelmed and anxious about having too much stuff on my plate.

One of the other things bothering me at the moment is that my nurse case manager left. I tend to get very attached to people and I have a really hard time letting go. This one hurts a bit as I thought she understood that so might have given me an opportunity for a bit more closure. She’s been my case manager for about 3 years and we’d had a really good appointment last time I saw her in September. She said she’d ring me in about a week or so as she was going to be away for a few days. And I didn’t hear from her and I kept thinking I’d ring but then thinking she might be busy and she said she’d ring so surely she was going to… At the beginning of November I rang her because I was having a really bad couple of days and wanted to arrange an appointment and she told me she’d resigned. I mentioned it to my psychologist and apparently he’d asked her to tell me but she’d forgotten and that was her last day so she’s gone. And I feel disappointed and upset. My head knows I was just another case to her and she told me herself straight up when I first met her that it was not her job to be my friend. I had just thought she might say goodbye in person and I feel abandoned. Not great for a person with BPD who struggles with feelings of abandonment most of the time anyway.

My psychologist and I were talking a bit about what I expected from a case manager and discussing options going forward. I mentioned that when I ring them I expect empathy and validation, not necessarily a solution to my problems. Having been through a modified version of DBT I have strategies in place which mean I get through most days mostly ok by myself. But every so often (once a month or so) I have a really really dark time and I need some extra help and that’s when I call. Often I get suggestions aimed more at what I’d imagine would help a depressed person, but not necessarily helpful in my situation. My psychologist asked me if I would ring more often if I did get the empathy and validation that I want. I told him that I wouldn’t for several reasons, one being that I absolutely hate asking for help, and another being that I hate using the phone lol. But also that I tend not to ask people for help (not just the services but friends and family as well) as I am conscious of not putting too much burden on any one person. 

I have been thinking about that question this week and whether he is right, would I reach out for help more often if that help was more likely to meet my expectations in that moment? Then I came across this post on The Mighty today and this bit sums up what I said to my psychologist last week 

“but I also know loving someone with borderline personality disorder can be overwhelming – to say the least. It’s one thing to have a meltdown every couple of months, but it’s entirely different to live with a disorder as unpredictable and intense as BPD. To avoid “burdening” those around me, I tend to bottle these feelings, fearful of “overreacting” or pushing people away. I know most people won’t really understand, and I don’t want to bother my friends with my third crying spell this week.”

The Loneliness of Living with Borderline Personality Disorder