I do not tolerate this low mood well. First I want to know what’s causing it, what can be done, how to fix myself. I am motivated at first. I keep busy. I read a lot and go to bed on time and get up on time. The fog deepens and my enjoyment seeps away. I make more effort to spot beauty in every day moments, notice the lone white rose growing on the otherwise barren roadside rose bush, the bird song, the things that make me smile. But each lift is brief, and bittersweet. Like patches of colour on a black and white photo. I feel like I’m missing something. The theories I’ve read should fit together in some way but, the puzzle has been tipped on its end and I can’t see the picture. I feel my failure to slot this together keenly. I would just get better if I tried harder, thought more, was smarter and nicer and all the ‘ers’ that aren’t me.
Perhaps the irony is that I know the harder I try the less likely I am to succeed. The trying puts pressure on me to find the right response. I analyse and overthink instead of using my gut. Last week I had some flow, not a lot, just small patches where I had confidence in myself and trusted my innate creativity to come up with the right path. But knowing it was there makes me push for it, which in turn makes it slip out of my grasp. My brain goes round and round, percolating on ideas and theories of how to solve my chronic health issues, my mental health problems, deal with my ASD and my child’s. As I twist the ideas, trying to pull them together with a common thread, my brain works harder and harder.
I am started to feel pelted with ideas. I could start this project, do this painting, build this shelf, tidy this up, move this here, get rid of that and buy this. Is this healthy? Am I producing too much waste? Is my heart ok? Is my child doing ok at school? Am I lonely? Will I ever be able to buy a house? Do I want to? Should I buy new socks or would that be wasteful if my other ones don’t have holes but are uncomfortable? Where’s the best place to get socks?…. and on and on about every topic. I feel overwhelmed and then suddenly unable to make even small choices, about what to wear and eat and when to go to bed. And suddenly I’m back to the beginning where I’m not getting enough sleep or exercise or taking care of myself or my house. Then I have to pull it back and start again. Find the motivation to go to bed early and practice my self care.
Underlying all that is a pervading sense of failure each time the cycle repeats. This time I’ll be consistent. This time I’ll do better. I’ll make sure I don’t fail. And the ever present thoughts of what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even sustain the most basic things for longer than a week.
ASD, BPD and Me 