Tag: isolation

Day 4 of lockdown

I had this idea that I would try to write daily or at least every second day during lockdown so I could document what it was like, plus help with my mental health during this period. However, I forgot that I’m me and consistency is not really my thing so here I am at 11pm on day 4…

In my defense though I’ve worked an extra 14 hours this week despite watching the press conference on Monday, the mad rush of preparing for lockdown, having to take Miss G with me to work on Tuesday (schools were closed but I was trying to get stuff done at work while I still can) and then home schooling Wednesday – Friday. It’s coming up to 31 March which is end of financial year so work is always crazy at this time of the year anyway. I hate March and I dread it every single year. We are always way behind our deadlines no matter where I’ve worked and end up doing lots of extra hours trying to get things done.

For those who aren’t accountants – 31 March is end of financial year and normally you would have to file your tax return by 7 July the same year. But if you have a tax agent, which as an accountant is what I am, the IRD give you an extension of time so you have till 31 March the following year to file your tax return. The catch is though that everyone still has till 7 April to pay their tax for the year, so whether you file by 7 July and have 10 months to save for your tax, or file by 31 March and have only 7 days, you still have the same payment date. If you don’t file on time you get a penalty and IRD charge interest if you don’t pay the tax on time, plus another penalty for not paying the tax.

So every year we have people who wait for nearly a whole year to bring their information in, then want their tax returns done ASAP. And that doesn’t include the people whose jobs we did start earlier but sent questions to them and they didn’t respond for weeks, or those whose jobs came in January/February and were put on the back burner as they weren’t as urgent as some of the others.

Every accounting practice works differently in terms of managing workflow but pretty much March is always crazy. You always have people who wait until the absolute last minute to bring their stuff in, plus you still have to fit in all the people who want advice and other work done.

So with Corona virus craziness, and then lockdown happening this week and all the extra hours I haven’t been feeling the greatest. Things are not terrible as I have a lot of work to get through so that’s taking my mind of some of the other stuff. But every so often I slip into panic mode and have a little meltdown. Today’s was about the house being messy and dirty. Because we are now here 24/7 we make more mess, there’s more dishes, and there’s more cleaning that needs to be done. But I worked 7am – 6pm today (Sunday) and the same on Friday and I am sooooo tired. So today I have worked madly, then melted down because the kitchen was messy and dishes needed doing (I can see them from my desk in the lounge), then worked madly, then panic again because there is still sooo much work to do.

In the midst of all this I was trying hard to use my strategies. I know I’m not getting enough sleep but I did go for a walk for about 20 minutes in the middle of the day. It is so eerie out there. The roads are quiet and there was a lot less people out exercising than there has been in the last couple of days. The people I did see kept the required 2m away from me, which in itself feels a bit like you are infectious even if you aren’t as when you are walking towards each other you both end up swinging out wide to avoid being too close.

I’m starting to reach news overload. I care but I’ve had enough of hearing about the virus and the lockdown and the effects on the economy. I’ve had enough of the worry. And definitely enough of the comments on facebook about people flouting lockdown rules. I’ve had enough of not knowing what will happen next. And I’m trying not to think about this being only the beginning as how “our whole way of life” will change as people keep saying. These last two days I have limited the news and facebook as I don’t think they are helping my mental stability, but limiting facebook is a double edged sword as it also limits some of my social contact.

In my household there is Miss G (age 11) and myself, so no other adult to talk to in person. We are also in a bubble with her Dad, step-mother and her son (age 23) so Miss G can continue to see her Dad during all of this. That means both households can not see anyone else (not that we should anyway) as we are counted as one bubble. However, while she gets to leave to go to a different house and talk to others, I don’t. I am pretty good at being by myself but it still gets lonely. This morning (Sunday) she left at 9am and won’t be back till 5pm on Tuesday. Three days of being by myself at home 24/7. Good thing I practiced for this when I broke my back December 2018!

I was thinking today that both breaking my back and doing contracting work from home in 2018 have prepared me well for this journey with Covid-19. I am used to isolation from spending 4 straight weeks in bed with my back, then several months of very slow recovery at home by myself. And contracting from home meant I already knew what that looked like for me, I had the technology and had developed routines that worked. While both of those were very trying times I am thankful that I learnt from those experiences so I can put what I learnt into practice now.

I am missing my standing desk from work though. ACC had paid for me to have a fancy standing desk where I just had to push a button to make it go up and down, and I had programmed various height settings into it for various tasks. Now, I’m at home with my one height desk and my back has been killing me. I didn’t realise how much I relied on using my ergonomic equipment until I didn’t have access to it anymore. 9 plus hours of sitting at my desk with no standing breaks and not even any getting up to go to the printer is really hurting my back.

Anyway, I need to go and get some sleep so I can get up and do it all again tomorrow. Stay stay everyone.

Ka Kite

Life admin, abandonment and loneliness

I’ve had some really up and down days recently. When you live with Borderline Personality Disorder life is very much like a rollercoaster at the best of times, but recently those lows have been very low. I’ve had days where the blackness has rolled in and I feel severely depressed and suicidal.

I have been pondering on my triggers and there’s been a number of things going on for me. One is that I feel overwhelmed by life and all the admin and appointments that never seem to end. The weekly grind of washing and cooking, dishes and supermarket shopping, housework and garden maintenance. I very quickly get overloaded. I lack the executive function to keep my house tidy or remember where I’ve put anything as I get distracted very easily, but a messy house also really stresses me out. Losing and forgetting stuff constantly is also really stressful. There are days when I don’t want to come home because the house is messy and I can’t seem to tidy it up. I can spend several hours “tidying” but still not have a clean and tidy house at the end as I tend to deviate off task and get really distracted. And the more I have going on in my head the less likely I am to be able to cope with the basic day-to-day and week-to-week tasks. This end of the year also seems to fill up quickly with my daughter’s school stuff, end of year events and birthdays so remembering our schedules and fitting everything in adds more pressure. And yes, I have a calendar with colour coded schedule, plus a note book of reminders, I make lists, I set alarms and reminders on my phone etc. Even with all this ‘help’ to remember things I still feel overwhelmed and anxious about having too much stuff on my plate.

One of the other things bothering me at the moment is that my nurse case manager left. I tend to get very attached to people and I have a really hard time letting go. This one hurts a bit as I thought she understood that so might have given me an opportunity for a bit more closure. She’s been my case manager for about 3 years and we’d had a really good appointment last time I saw her in September. She said she’d ring me in about a week or so as she was going to be away for a few days. And I didn’t hear from her and I kept thinking I’d ring but then thinking she might be busy and she said she’d ring so surely she was going to… At the beginning of November I rang her because I was having a really bad couple of days and wanted to arrange an appointment and she told me she’d resigned. I mentioned it to my psychologist and apparently he’d asked her to tell me but she’d forgotten and that was her last day so she’s gone. And I feel disappointed and upset. My head knows I was just another case to her and she told me herself straight up when I first met her that it was not her job to be my friend. I had just thought she might say goodbye in person and I feel abandoned. Not great for a person with BPD who struggles with feelings of abandonment most of the time anyway.

My psychologist and I were talking a bit about what I expected from a case manager and discussing options going forward. I mentioned that when I ring them I expect empathy and validation, not necessarily a solution to my problems. Having been through a modified version of DBT I have strategies in place which mean I get through most days mostly ok by myself. But every so often (once a month or so) I have a really really dark time and I need some extra help and that’s when I call. Often I get suggestions aimed more at what I’d imagine would help a depressed person, but not necessarily helpful in my situation. My psychologist asked me if I would ring more often if I did get the empathy and validation that I want. I told him that I wouldn’t for several reasons, one being that I absolutely hate asking for help, and another being that I hate using the phone lol. But also that I tend not to ask people for help (not just the services but friends and family as well) as I am conscious of not putting too much burden on any one person. 

I have been thinking about that question this week and whether he is right, would I reach out for help more often if that help was more likely to meet my expectations in that moment? Then I came across this post on The Mighty today and this bit sums up what I said to my psychologist last week 

“but I also know loving someone with borderline personality disorder can be overwhelming – to say the least. It’s one thing to have a meltdown every couple of months, but it’s entirely different to live with a disorder as unpredictable and intense as BPD. To avoid “burdening” those around me, I tend to bottle these feelings, fearful of “overreacting” or pushing people away. I know most people won’t really understand, and I don’t want to bother my friends with my third crying spell this week.”

The Loneliness of Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

To me, that perfectly sums up why I try and keep my issues to myself on all but my very worst days. Because no matter how empathetic and understanding someone is, supporting a person with BPD is no picnic and I don’t want to wear people down or make them resent me. My psychologist is the “last man standing” so to speak of my team of professionals – my case manager having left and my psychiatrist resigned earlier this year (I’ve had locums the last two times) and I am conscious of not making myself too dependent on his help. I worry that he’ll leave like they did, or that he’ll get sick of me. 

Constantly having to decide how much of yourself to reveal to others is very tiring. During every interaction with other people I filter what I say, and I try and make sure I don’t come across as needy or dramatic or pessimistic or “spiky”/angry/difficult – all of which I have been told I am by others before. Then there is conversations where I could contribute something but it might reveal more about my mental state and how will that come across and will it make the other person uncomfortable. And then there is trying to sort out whether am I talking too much or being too opinionated? And understanding what other people are saying, in words and body language, which is sometimes just as difficult. Not to mention actually hearing people as filtering out background noise is hard for me and sometimes the I don’t hear all the words or my brain doesn’t get the message fast enough. 

I isolate myself, especially when I am depressed, which is not something I do on purpose. I enjoy being on my own, but its also a relief not to have to constantly monitor myself.  Communication is such a bit part of life as a human but also a massive source of stress for me as well. Sometimes it is easier to be alone, even if I am lonely.

Waving in the dark 

Kia Kaha